In the past month, I've gotten a lot of compliments on the blog, on the humor and the writing, and on the positivity of it.
What needs to be understood, is that this blog is pretty much like facebook - you see all the good bits. The bits I want to share. You see the funny bits and get my writing on days I feel positive about this whole situation.
On a lot of days, I struggle to be positive. Today was such a day.
I'm not the cancer patient - I'm the spouse of one. I'm a wife and (mostly) homemaker, and a mother to two young girls. I work hard at making sure I keep "me" at the forefront as well, and that's pretty hard to do when you're a mom ... and so far, a little harder to do as a cancer spouse.
Dan being home is amazing and wonderful, but it's also a big adjustment - for him and for me. We didn't have much time to adjust to the fact that he even has cancer. Within a month of the diagnosis he was admitted into the hospital. For most of that time I was angry - very angry. Not at Dan, certainly not, but at cancer. At the situation. At the audacity that a disease like this would even dare to think of breaking up my family by taking my husband. I wasn't in denial, we weren't allowed that for more than a day, but boy was I pissed at the big C. It took a while for me to move past the anger. Once I could focus on planning, once we got more information about what the surgery and recovery would entail, once we were talking to people, and once we were working at figuring out what our future was going to hold, some of the anger began to ebb away.
Including on figuring out what the future was going to entail, meant making sure "our affairs were in order." Talking to the bank about our mortgage. About critical illness coverage. Applying for BC's Compassionate Care Act. Asking for help. Making sure our will was up to date and still in a safe spot.
Making sure what Dan would want if the worst should happen.
Visiting a funeral home.
Then I got pissed again. How dare cancer make me even think about these things at 34 years old? How dare it force me into considering what I would do if he died. How dare it.
And I'm not stupid. I know cancer doesn't care. It doesn't give a shit about who it affects and who it takes. Children, babies, mothers, fathers - good people, bad people. But - that just makes me more angry.
Eventually. Eventually I calmed down a bit. Talked things out with Dan, in my personal journal ... eventually I wasn't so angry. And eventually I could focus on surgery and recovery.
Then there were 25 days when I was dealing with a surgery patient. I was selfish and never wanted to share him, but that meant early mornings and late nights and time away from my daughters, and I'd feel pulled in two directions and it hurt. And it was hard then, to stay positive all the time. Dan was in pain from his back, his stay was extended due to a stupid clot, the food was shite, parking was stupid, the girls got sick ... and so on and so on.
NOW I have him home. Now there's not a lot to be angry about. It's mostly the same old shit now. "Get off your PHONE." "Put the friggin' laundry hamper lid DOWN." "Put the box of cereal AWAY." "Stop taking so many naps and help me with the BABY."
See -- not that last one though. I can't DO that anymore! I can't be angry about something that, well, that I can't be angry about. He just went through major cancer surgery and he's tired and he's recovering and I know that.
I know that, but sometimes I still get angry. It might be my go to emotion so I don't just cry all the time.
I'm still struggling to find my new normal. OUR new normal.
Sometimes I really AM positive. I'd say I'm more positive than negative, easily.
But sometimes. Sometimes it's really hard. And sometimes I have bad days.
And sometimes good. And those I'll remember.
What needs to be understood, is that this blog is pretty much like facebook - you see all the good bits. The bits I want to share. You see the funny bits and get my writing on days I feel positive about this whole situation.
On a lot of days, I struggle to be positive. Today was such a day.
I'm not the cancer patient - I'm the spouse of one. I'm a wife and (mostly) homemaker, and a mother to two young girls. I work hard at making sure I keep "me" at the forefront as well, and that's pretty hard to do when you're a mom ... and so far, a little harder to do as a cancer spouse.
Dan being home is amazing and wonderful, but it's also a big adjustment - for him and for me. We didn't have much time to adjust to the fact that he even has cancer. Within a month of the diagnosis he was admitted into the hospital. For most of that time I was angry - very angry. Not at Dan, certainly not, but at cancer. At the situation. At the audacity that a disease like this would even dare to think of breaking up my family by taking my husband. I wasn't in denial, we weren't allowed that for more than a day, but boy was I pissed at the big C. It took a while for me to move past the anger. Once I could focus on planning, once we got more information about what the surgery and recovery would entail, once we were talking to people, and once we were working at figuring out what our future was going to hold, some of the anger began to ebb away.
Including on figuring out what the future was going to entail, meant making sure "our affairs were in order." Talking to the bank about our mortgage. About critical illness coverage. Applying for BC's Compassionate Care Act. Asking for help. Making sure our will was up to date and still in a safe spot.
Making sure what Dan would want if the worst should happen.
Visiting a funeral home.
Then I got pissed again. How dare cancer make me even think about these things at 34 years old? How dare it force me into considering what I would do if he died. How dare it.
And I'm not stupid. I know cancer doesn't care. It doesn't give a shit about who it affects and who it takes. Children, babies, mothers, fathers - good people, bad people. But - that just makes me more angry.
Eventually. Eventually I calmed down a bit. Talked things out with Dan, in my personal journal ... eventually I wasn't so angry. And eventually I could focus on surgery and recovery.
Then there were 25 days when I was dealing with a surgery patient. I was selfish and never wanted to share him, but that meant early mornings and late nights and time away from my daughters, and I'd feel pulled in two directions and it hurt. And it was hard then, to stay positive all the time. Dan was in pain from his back, his stay was extended due to a stupid clot, the food was shite, parking was stupid, the girls got sick ... and so on and so on.
NOW I have him home. Now there's not a lot to be angry about. It's mostly the same old shit now. "Get off your PHONE." "Put the friggin' laundry hamper lid DOWN." "Put the box of cereal AWAY." "Stop taking so many naps and help me with the BABY."
See -- not that last one though. I can't DO that anymore! I can't be angry about something that, well, that I can't be angry about. He just went through major cancer surgery and he's tired and he's recovering and I know that.
I know that, but sometimes I still get angry. It might be my go to emotion so I don't just cry all the time.
I'm still struggling to find my new normal. OUR new normal.
Sometimes I really AM positive. I'd say I'm more positive than negative, easily.
But sometimes. Sometimes it's really hard. And sometimes I have bad days.
And sometimes good. And those I'll remember.
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